Unhappy Spouses Are Revealing When They Knew They Married the Wrong Person

When Doofus ran over my dog killing her. I never reproached him once. Keep telling him accidents happen, she ran out with the kids, she was excited to see you. I kept reassuring him everything was going to be OK & I wasn’t angry with him.

I did the emotional labor for the whole family - mostly reassuring him it wasn’t his fault. Saying all the things to make people feel better about death. She didn’t suffer & went quickly. She’s playing with all her dog friends in heaven. I kept hugging everyone and being the strong one.

The next day I was in the shower. I just stood there crying silently. It was the first time I had any opportunity to be alone since it happened. He poked his head in the shower and asked me what I was making for dinner.

He saw I was crying. He then proceeded to lose his shit on me. Called me a bunch of names. A traitor, that blamed him for an accident. He refused to listen that I was sad for losing her. I was sad because I loved my dog very much.

He went on a huge rant - yelling at me as I stood in the shower. I kept saying I’m sorry, I’m just sad about my dog. After saying that several times I stopped as it was clear he wanted to take his upset out on me. I quietly finished taking my shower as he yelled at me.

I dried off, got dressed and went about my day as he unloaded on me all the stuff I did wrong. He got more and more awful. It was clear he wanted me to fight back so he could escalate it more. I was quiet. I finally just sat down on the couch and buried my head in my hands.

Which make him even more angrier. He finally left in a tizzy, slamming doors and kicking things. I found out later he went over to his buddy Dingus’s house. An awful man who was abusive to his wife & step kids. I did not like him. Apparently this guy had asked Doofus to watch his dog over the weekend.

A big pit bull we had never watched despite being repeatedly asked many times before. The pit was aggressive and I did not want him around kids or our animals. With my dog gone Doofus must have thought it would fine.

He did not ask me. He knew I would have said no. Despite this Doofus came back late at night with his buddies dog in tow.

I got up the next morning to find bloody muddy tracks throughout the downstairs. I didn’t know Doofus had brought Dingus’s dog back with him. I went outside to find his buddies pit bull. It had dug up a waterline and killed our cat. It was a mess - there was a lake in the backyard.

Doofus was passed out, I turned off the water and cleaned up the blood, and wrapped up our cat up before the kids got up. When Doofus finally got up he saw the back yard. He walked around grousing about the dog under his breath.

I told him in a very matter of fact way about the cat with zero inflection not wanting a repeat of the day before. He got really angry and accused me of trying to ruin the rest of his weekend.

He was super snarky and said well too bad, so sad you’re stuck with the dog. My buddy Dingus is gone for the next week. I just walked away. I was done.

Username: DigitalGurl

I was hesitant to marry my boyfriend for the longest time. He had a tendency to be a little controlling and insecure. He swore if I married him that would go away because it was our having two homes that made him crazy. Also, I had been told repeatedly that if I agreed to marry him, his house would become ours and I could decorate it and make myself comfortable in it.

I ran right through those red flags and married him in Vegas. We drove back to his house in the California desert late at night. It was February and there was frost on the ground. I wanted to get our stuff inside quickly, so I ran my suitcase and purse in, put them in the entry way against the wall and turned to run back for more items.

He asked me with a caustic and incredulous tone - “You going to leave your stuff THERE?”. It was as if I had shit on his favorite rug. I was stunned, but then composed myself and replied that yes, until I get everything else in.

The next day when I brought up starting the merge of our places, he told me he didn’t think I would REALLY want to bring my stuff over. After all, his house is only so big and is modern. My stuff included antique wood items.

We went to a Subway and a very young pimple faced high school kid was laughing with me about my “salad on a bun” and said he would add avocado for free as a wedding gift.

My brand new husband didn’t hear that. All he saw was me flirting with the guy. He was PISSED, jutted his jaw out and told me we were not staying to eat there with my boyfriend. We got home, and I told him - “I’m out”. I never moved in.

Username: PNW_RuralGirl

Was married for 5 years. There were lots of "little" things, initially. We bickered about everything, from where to live to what color the bathroom towels should be.

He frequently took jobs outside the city that we lived in, promising me that the next job would be closer to home, and I should be happy that he was happy with his job, instead of miserable with something that was "beneath him." We argued about all the typical stuff, finances, sex, family... We went to counseling, and it sort of helped.

But the thing that made me realize that he was never going to love me for who I was, was when I cut my hair off (long do to a pixie cut). The man locked himself in the bathroom for 2 hours, came out and told me he was going to counseling. He stopped talking to me for 2 weeks.

During those couple of weeks that he wasn't talking to me, I realized that all of our arguments were based on the fact that he was trying to put me in a little box that he felt was respectable for his 'wife' just as much as I was trying to fit him into the box of what I thought was acceptable for my 'husband.'

We tried counseling for one last ditch attempt to save the marriage, and I swear he just came out with everything that he didn't like about me, which was almost everything... We decided to divorce about a month after the initial haircut.

I've remarried now. My second marriage is completely different than my first. Our arguements are few and reasonably handled, and my husband knows so much more about me than my ex ever did. We have more honest and open communication about all topics, even the hard stuff, the icky stuff, personal stuff. And I fit in so much better with his family. I legitimately love my in-laws.

Username: Cthesmithy

Let’s see, the back of the church before I went up the aisle, he wasn’t at the end of the aisle and thought it was funny to come out after I had reached the end of the aisle while I stood there awkwardly with my Dad. My father was not happy about that.

Didn’t get picked up after my kids were born and waited for him hours on discharge day. He borrowed my car for a while, would drop me off at work and wouldn’t pick me up until 4-5 hours after my shift ended even though he promised every day to get there when my shift ended. He laughed and laughed about it when he picked me up and I was angry.

Dropped me off at home after discharge from birth of our child and I had had a c section, like I had to take my own bag and the baby in a car seat into the house while he sat in the car. Then I had to pick up from school and drive my school aged child to their evening activities day of discharge with a fresh incision and a post surgery instruction sheet that said no driving for 6 weeks. When I showed the driving restriction to my husband he said : “that’s not doable.”

Had surgery that required me to be sitting up after surgery and he told me I couldn’t be hanging around in the living room recliner after surgery; was dumped upstairs in bedroom after surgery, not offered food, drink or ice, but I had thought ahead and put applesauce, crackers, and a couple gallons of water in my bedroom for after surgery my pre teen son was getting me fresh ice because I was texting my husband about fresh ice and he fell asleep in that recliner I wasn’t allowed to recuperate in.

While driving to this surgery all I did was apologize for disrupting his day and he was stone cold quiet and acted like he was doing some big gesture by taking me. Found out a few weeks after surgery my pathology unexpectedly showed cancer.

I was upset, went to tell him and he acted like I was telling him what we were having for dinner, clearly gave no shits and went back to the bedroom and cried. Found out 9 months later he’d been having a 6 year affair and he told me it was my fault, he had no regrets, never intended on telling me and would not apologize. Wasted my whole life on this asshole.

Username: Jen3404

There were so many times when I wanted out. But the "straw that broke the camels back" was a fight over social media. Preceeding this fight, he yelled at me for spending $350 on what was supposed to be a $100 mattress for our daughter.

He berated me, called me irresponsibility, and told me I would make us homeless. We had $700 in savings. I had $150 gift card as a bonus from work I figured I'd use for this mattress. The $100 mattress was so awful that I knew my kid wouldn't sleep on it, and I needed her to stop sleeping in our bed.

I decided to buy something that would last. But he wouldn't let me say any of that. After berating me and threatening to leave me if I tried to defend my purchase, he gave me 3 days of silent treatment while doting on our child more than normal.

I had to walk on eggshells. I knew then I couldn't deal with him much longer. I still have that same mattress now, 8ish years later, and my kiddo still loves it. But I digress.

Not long after that fight, he made a social media account. He couldn't remember our friends' name spellings and kept asking me to spell them. Eventually, I told him to go through my friends list.

Then he started questioning why I was friends with the people I was friends with. He didn't like me having anyone on my friends list if I didn't see them in person every day. I said that isn't what social media is for. It helps me keep tabs on the people I don't see. I told him I wouldn't let him isolate me any further.

He hated all my friends, and social media was the only way I even kept tabs on many of them anymore. So he told me I either deleted my account or he would divorce me. Then he stormed out. I thought about it and decided to divorce. I was done. He came back and retracted what he said.

But it was too late. I was done. I knew the relationship was over. I stayed only as long as I had to in order to get finances in order.

He still says he doesn't know why I left even when i tell him of these examples. To him, they weren't "that bad." I'm so much happier without him.

Username: Iggys1984

I've spent the last few months coming to grips with the fact that I married the wrong person and told her today. It all happened really fast. We were both part of a religion that really emphasizes marriage and having families.

She really wanted to be married, I was feeling pressure to get married and had the person I felt like I really wanted to be with choose someone else. My wife still had a lot of good qualities, and still does, so I didn't feel swindled at the time.

After just a few weeks she wanted to get married, and to do it within a few weeks. Pretty common occurrence in the religion. We had known each other for a while, but didn't know each other well was the problem. We got along really well, I prayed about it and felt good, she seemed to have everything together, so we moved forward.

Turns out she had some hefty baggage from past relationships, nearly six figures in student loan debt, and a tract record of lying or stealing in order to get what she wanted. Over the course of the engagement one thing after another happened and I was asking myself serious questions.

She seemed to sense it and cooled off for a bit, which actually made me feel more ok with everything. Gave me some promises and goals I got on board with. Felt good about it and we moved forward.

Married and boom, everything changed. Not even two weeks later the goals are gone. She doesn't want to work anymore while she finishes school and also wants to have a kid. I adamantly decline.

The next three weeks she is an emotional mess. Refuses to talk to me, wont touch me, says she is really concerned with where things are going. Should have been the sign right there. Cools off for about a week and then we ramp it up again, this time its personal and she is making veiled threats.

Now she cant stand where we live and we need to move. Not a big deal, we change apartments to the next city over. Not good enough we need to move again.

She wants to go out to eat instead of making food everyday, while refusing to go to school or work more than part time. Buys so many clothes. Should have been a sign, but I was like omg I'm not going to rush into a marriage to rush out after a month.

So goes the story for about four long months of give and take and we have a sit down about where we are headed. She finally agrees to stop the spending and work more to make things easier with one condition, we get pregnant.

I'm stuck in the immediate mess and I'm not thinking long term. I agree thinking it will be fine once things change. They get better, then within two weeks of her being pregnant we are back to the same old story.

Those four months were a short preview of my next five years. Once I told her I didn't believe in the religion anymore, she said she didn't want to be married to me.

That was about four months ago, and she has since doubled back on that, but then blamed me more every marital problem we have, including the $40k of credit card debt we racked up trying to support a family without her working (she graduated and didn't use her degree). Blew up on me today and threatened divorce for the tenth time and I just said, "yeah. We're done." And I left.

Username: marriedforthecult

For me it was the emotional and verbal abuse. She didn’t shave anything on her body for over a year and I mean ANYTHING. Was extremely lazy wouldn’t drink tap water forcing me to buy upwards of six cases of water that I’d have to carry to the apartment one by one then she’d only drink half of one before moving onto a new one.

Waisting my money. I paid the rent and out electricity bill her debt and her car payment yet I never had a right to request going anywhere and if I wanted to go some place “I’d better learn to drive” wanted me to come home after a grueling 8 hour shift go right to bed and have deep conversation for hours didn’t matter if I wanted to or not.

Our apartment was four rooms total I couldn’t get up and move without her demanding to know where I was going/ would very often “Test me” by asking me for my food and after a while I said no out of annoyance and she would tell me “that was a test you failed “ would constantly force me to go to her sisters house in which we would stay for hours when I would ask to leave she would walk into the middle of the living room with deeply and make it a point to say “I don’t want to leave but my husband does so, bye” then didn’t understand why I wouldn’t talk to her”, there’s more I could do one about,

but for me it was a combinations of things rather than just one, the biggest for me, though was almost dying of diabetes and her not visit me once in the hospital, picking me up when I was just charged and screaming at me about being a fucking idiot for not asking the right questionsthen she couldn’t understand why started a divorce

Username: Nefarious-Haiku

My husband (at the time) had been mentally declining, and I was put in a position where I had cut myself down so small that I fit neatly into his downward spiral. He started to become delusional and angry.

I wasn’t getting sleep. He would sleep while I was working and then stay up all night to have continuous mental crises. It got to a point where almost every night he’d wake me up by screaming and punching himself in the head over and over. Sometimes it was the wall, which was a problem because we were renting. I was paying for everything. We couldn’t afford much, and he was going through 2 oz of weed a week almost entirely by himself.

He started talking about becoming the president, telling me he was the next messiah, typical delusional stuff. He would talk about a video game that would save the world. In the 6 years we were together, all he did was write 2 pages of a script and put together a list of stolen music he was going to eventually use for it. After a while, all meaningful connection was gone—all he talked about was himself.

At one point, he asked me to choose between him and my little sisters, and went fucking ballistic when I didn’t pick him. There were three specific incidences where I realized that things weren’t going to work.

He gloated about his ability to emotionally “take down” anyone’s ego. I asked him to do it to me, And he told me, “you’ll never think you’re good enough because of how your mom raised you.” I thought it was so shallow of a thing to know about a partner of so many years, and the ridiculousness of his grandiosity hit me. (Like, congrats dude, you’ve listened to me once or twice.)

He tried to strangle me when I didn’t want to listen to him scream anymore. It had been hours, and I couldn’t care anymore.

After we separated, I was still somewhat attached and went with him to see a ghost town. It was a 3.5 hour drive each way, and the whole time I spoke maybe twice. He filled the air with incessant talk about himself and all the great things he was going to do and how he was going to be the best president ever, how he was better than anyone currently in power (to be fair, so is a crawfish). It was all the same emotional masturbation in the face of a long line of failures. I realized that it wouldn’t be anything but dreams as long as he lived. I began divorce proceedings that week. It had been almost a year that we were separated.

What’s funny is that during the proceedings I went to see him one last time, and he said, “If you don’t admit that we hurt each other equally, this relationship can’t continue.” I reminded him that he literally strangled me, and I didn’t think we had hurt each other equally at all.

He started screaming and announced our relationship officially over. That night I received around 30 texts bemoaning how he didn’t mean it, he was just mad, etc. After that it was days and days of him telling me I wasn’t good enough for him anyway, and trying to bait me into begging for his approval.

I remember going, “well, I’m really comfortable with the amount of effort that I put into our relationship. Best of luck to you. Hope you find someone who meets your needs!” He sent me texts for DAYS afterwards trying to walk that sentiment back.

Anyway, after years of therapy I’m doing well. I’m pretty sure he’s still following my account and downvoting the stuff I post. Ah well, only one of us is homeless despite extensive help from family.

Username: peshnoodles

There were several things. The first real red flag was financials. I had always been money conscious and had saved up a lot on my own. He convinced me to invest some of it (his dad was a stockbroker)... right before the crash of 2008.

I demanded to know why his dad wasn't looking out for me and taking the money out when it was sinking like a stone, but he said we just had to ride it out. Unfortunately, "riding it out" lost me $20,000.

Any time I brought up money to him after that, he ignored my every concern. He also wanted to spend lavish amounts we didn't have on stupid things (like $4000 on a toy helicopter, for example) and any time I challenged him, he became despondent and mopey.

Money was probably our biggest problem. I was a saver and he was a HUGE spender. Spoiled by his rich parents as a kid, he never seemed to get the fact that we couldn't live like an upper-class family on a middle-class salary.

Next was the sex. He had strange fetishes (being wrapped in saran wrap, for example) and always pushed them on me. I enjoy a little kink and light bondage, but I always hated the saran wrap thing. So much.

I told him so, don't get me wrong, but he pushed it on me every single time he wanted to get physical. I could either persist and decline and let him get mopey, or I could give in and do it and feel ridiculously uncomfortable the whole time. It was always all about him, never about me.

I was a virgin before him so I was able to put up with a lot of stuff because I just didn't know any better. Like, sex was always painful because he was relatively well-endowed. I thought I would get used to it but I never did. It was never a good time for me.

Next was our interests. We had very little in common, at least not enough to carry us past a few years. It was exciting at first, because we were doing things I'd never done before, but gradually those new things stopped and we ended up falling into a routine where he'd play video games and I'd be on the computer or studying and we just wouldn't interact with each other.

Finally, I think most importantly, was the general lack of respect I feel he had for me. Again, I was relatively inexperienced with relationships. Before him I'd dated people at most for a few months and never got physical with any of them.

With him, enough things seemed to click and I was happy at first, but over time it just became apparent that he thought relatively little of my opinions. Like suggesting I quit my school to go into something easier, calling me "his little pessimist" when I suggested any single thing might not work, talking over me in conversations.

Things like that. We moved houses in the two months before I left him. I was unpacking and he already had his game set up and was playing, ignoring me. I went up to him and said "Would you please help me unpack?"

He responded "No." Me, him, and two friends went up to Edmonton on a trip shortly after that, and he was totally miserable the whole time and was holding everyone back. One of my friends suggested we bring him back home and then go back up to Edmonton, just the three of us. We did and I had the time of my life. That was really the last straw. I made plans to leave him after that.

I feel like if I'd had a bit more relationship experience, I might not have made the mistake of marrying him, but then again, if I hadn't married him I might not have met the amazing guy I'm with now. Trade-offs in life.

Username: ddrluna

Two weeks. She had just clawed at my face for some insane reason, digging deep enough to get skin stuck under her nails. I was looking into having the marriage annulled and moving out. But she promised she'd never do it again. She didn't. Then she found out she was pregnant. So I stayed.

Over the years, when she'd get upset she'd: punch, knee, kick, elbow, scream, throw things, serve undercooked or spoiled food, hide shit I need like keys, run red lights, steer into oncoming traffic, shake & toss the kid, etc. I've never been so angry with a person that I try to give them food poisoning.

Anything she did when upset, she felt justified and blameless. I paid her a compliment once, so she punched me in the face. Apparently, I should have known that she was secretly unsure if I'd like the haircut she had gotten two months ago.

Get it? Right. That was nearly the last time I paid her a complement. She'd yell at me over the years because I never complimented her, but whenever I did, I was playing crazy woman roulette.

I used to like going out and staying out of the house. After she came into my life, we stopped going out. Why you wonder? Because she's fucking crazy. If she was upset, she'd start shit in public. This one time, she exclaimed "Do you see how tacky that woman's jewelry is?"

"Honey, you know she heard you, right? She's staring you down." "I don't give a shit." She then proceeded to loudly mention every embarrassing intimate topic she could imagine. The entire restaurant was either snickering or in shock.

I say, "Can you lower the volume? Everyone can hear you." Then she yells "Nobody's listening to us you paranoid fuck!"

After a few dozen more experiences like that, I'd rarely be seen with her in public. She later asks "Why don't we go out anymore?" I tell her honestly and calmly. She get's pissed, throws some things & cries then screams, demonstrating her ability to behave in public. When we did go somewhere, I made sure she was in a great mood and that I was able to detach myself from reality, to stay calm if she loses her shit.

She's really calm when she's in a good mood. It's just that when she flips, she flips hard. Then, denies ever doing it. Flat out lies about how crazy she is. Even when she is in a good mood, if you make one misstep, she snaps.

Then everything she's about to do, in her head, is now your fault. You pissed her off. She's not crazy, you are. Ahh. I wonder why I didn't keep this one.

Username: mailslot

Married for 15 years. There were some red flags here and there in retrospect, but I was raised by very unhealthy people and was taught to stuff those instincts deeeeeep down. Turn a blind eye and all that.

But the last 5-ish years have really been a shit show, and only gaining momentum. I knew I didn’t want to be married to him anymore when I found out he blew through all of our money behind my back on video games, all while telling me that I have to wait and wait to buy our children clothes and shoes (nothing fancy, just necessities) because it’s “not in the budget.”

My son was 5 and getting blisters from too small of shoes. Husband was easily spending 1k a week on video games in the meantime. He had become completely controlling of our finances when he started this habit so he could hide it, and lied like there was no tomorrow.

When the money was gone, he just stopped paying rent and bills. Found out what was happening when the car was repossessed and an eviction notice was on the door. I had just had a baby. Confronted him about the money he blew (estimated around 50k) and his response was to pack a bag and abandon us using the one car left.

He was “sleep deprived and at his limit,” (again we had a newborn) but it was perfectly fine in his eyes to now leave me to do everything myself 24/7 for three months, still healing from the birth. If I needed groceries, I would take what little I had, put the baby in the stroller, and make our 5-year-old walk with me to the closest grocery store.

Our local church paid my rent to keep me and our kids from being homeless. After 3 months our lease was up. I didn’t have anywhere feasible to go. I’m estranged from my unhealthy family previously mentioned.

Husband said out of the kindness of his heart, he would allow me to move back in with him at the new 3-bedroom apartment he conned his way into. I have been depressed ever since, and even voluntarily had myself hospitalized because of how hopeless I have felt. Hospital says this is all domestic abuse.

Came home after a couple days and got into an argument. He said me going to the hospital was more of a financial burden on our family than what he did. (We are on Medicaid. Hospital bills will be covered.) He caught me trying to record the argument and threatened to kick me out on the streets and take custody of our children.

(The ones he abandoned.) I still try to be respectful in my behavior but I will NEVER respect him or see him as a man. He disgusts me. I’m trying to figure out how to feasibly leave and support my children myself.

Username: Evening_Ad_3866

When I became bedridden and ill with some legitimate health issues. I reached the lowest point where i couldn’t walk without almost passing out. I was also taking care of three kids while he worked. We got into an argument and he said i was faking and that a few months ago i was cleaning and i was just fine.

I was holding my baby sobbing on the ground. my poor children were trying to comfort me and i was trying to tell them to leave because they are not responsible for my emotional well being. My husband looked at me and told me to shut up and stop crying.

For years he made it sound like he was carrying the weight of the family. And now that i am dealing with some health issues the house has fallen into chaos. He can’t do laundry, he can hardly cook, everytime he cleans the living room he literally wants an award and praise.

I have spent years encouraging him, being his ear and being the only one to be there while he took chances for his career with a family. I wanted to take some classes to better myself and he said go ahead but when it came down to it we had “no money”

He cooks dinner a few times a week and suddenly I owe him. He will do a few dishes and I owe him. He would say for years in a joking way “do your widely duties” I hadn’t realised until i couldn’t do “my wifely duties” due to the beginnings of lupus, how he was perfectly serious and wasnt joking. I hadn’t realized how i was shouldering most of the parenting.

He can’t parent. He resorts pinching or yelling or emotional manipulation. All they do is cry as soon as he steps in the door(keep in mind this really only had started to happen when my health issues took over when he had to spend more time with my babies because of his character i took over the parenting) I am now starting to recover after finding the right dr and am taking over the parenting again and a tiny bit better.

I had a sudden realisation today that i need to start planing to get out. figure out a means to make money and leave with my children. He doesn’t know his kids, he doesn’t know who their drs are, he doesn’t know how to get them dressed, he doesn’t know how to hug them, he doesn’t emotionally connect,

He is lazy, the times he has had to help with dinner he actually won’t feed the baby and leaves him crawling around . if i wasn’t there the remind him he would simply forget that we all exist. I have pulled away and he is getting clingy. I have gone silent because i feel like there is nothing more to say and nothing more to beg for. I am done.

Username: SeaIndependent7897

1 month into the marriage. Indian arranged marriage. Didn't tell me he was impotent. I loved him enough to want to do whatever it takes to support him through this. Spent the first six months of the marriage thinking about his family and nothing else. I went through ups and downs with my self esteem, weight, confidence.

Thought it was because I had out on weight, then lost it. Then he claimed I had "anger management" issues. Apparently I shouldn't be upset or angry even though there was no sex. After year 4, he told me he never loved me and doesn't know what love is.

Took me some time to process is and at year 5 I asked for a divorce. He's a good human being otherwise but was just absolutely shitty in a marriage. I have lived with a roommate for all these years. Now, through his therapy, he tells me he is pretty psychologically fucked up thanks to his parents.

Would've save him tons of money in therapy had he listened to my diagnosis on it years ago. Anyway, he's a 10 year old boy in the body of a 35 year old man. I'm just happy to be moving on.

Username: This_is_alpaca

I knew my ex husband for 9 years before dating him, moved in with him after dating for awhile and got married a year later, right after we got married he started showing his anger and annoyance. He started being really mean and hateful. In ways I'd never speak to anyone, even if I hated them.

Then the first time it got physical, I started saving my paychecks to buy storage containers and to move out. It took me almost a year of dealing with the gaslighting, the hatefulness, the abuse, the verbal abuse, the constant belittling and calling me stupid and ugly and gross and the cheating.

I came out as trans shortly after we divorced and he lost it. My car is still in his name but I'm making the note. I have less than two years left on it.

I recently got diagnosed with a chronic illness that I was fighting while with him. Something he always used against me to make me feel bad for hurting so much after working 12 hour shifts almost every day. I JUST got my diagnoses yesterday. I left him 4 years ago.

He truthfully ruined my life and brain. He just turned into a completely different person. The mask/persona he created for 9 years was so he could hurt me. Knowing my past with abuse, he always promised he'd never hurt me that way. Man I was wrong.

Plus, he hated my three pups. I couldn't even listen to my favorite music anymore without reliving the trauma I endured. That man truly ruined me and moved on to another victim. I hope she's okay. Truly. My heart hurts for her.

But on the brighter side OP, I am happily living with my partner that I dated briefly in 2015. They were actually the first person to take me to get a gender affirming haircut. We are engaged and moving completely to the other side of the country with our three pups and kitten next April. I am finally getting the help I need and once my car is paid off I'm officially free. I got top surgery this year in March and started testosterone shortly after reconnecting with my current partner.

So being able to be with someone who loves me truly and accepts me for who I am, quirks and all, is so fucking freeing. My heart hurts for anyone that has ever or will ever go through what I did. I narrowly escaped my life back in 2017 and in 2019 I found another man just like my abuser and I'm not sure how.

They both tried to kill me but somehow I'm still here. I'm not traditionally religious but a guardian was watching after me all these years.

Username: Loverofallanimals66

I am still currently married to said wrong person but he is currently in prison on drug charges. When we first met I had no idea he did any sorry of drugs. I didn't find out until a year later and even then I still didn't know the extent.

I was really naive at the time and he had moved me out, for me a job and I was finally getting some independence. During my 3 years with my husband through dating, him getting in trouble for the drugs, crashing 2 cars, moving ams finally getting married right before he was sentenced to 8 years in FDOC.

I was completely convinced despite his issues we had something good. Now this is still after I nearly left him 3 times for my first love. Each time he found out I was seeing him and guilt tripped me and threatened me into staying.

Now that my husband isn't around to put me down and try to control my life and tell me what I'm doing wrong all the time I've found myself exploring my life again. I forgot all the things I used to love doing that I left behind the last few years. I even by chance ran into my first love all over again by pure chance and we went out to lunch and from there rekindled or friendship and about 2 months later or full feelings for one another.

I honestly forgot what it was like to have someone to accept me just the way I am, enjoy the same things as me and not try to tell me what I should be doing with my life. Now my love want just the only things.

I had hipped when my husband went to prison that he would come to terms with the things he had done and regret having made my life a miserable hell at times. He had claimed before he got in trouble he was done doing drugs and was going to get rid of it all.

During my latest visit he told me he didn't regret doing the drugs. That sunk my heart right through the floor because it was like telling me he didn't regret causing me all the pain he did.

Shortly after that I went into a slight depression and for several weeks suffered anxiety and panic attacks on a regular basis, the darkness I was in actually helped me to remember things I had suppressed for the last couple of years.

So having someone who has genuinely cared about me and loved me for the last 10 years even when we had no contact with each other and realizing that my husband still can't come to terms with the fact that he really is in the wrong despite being where he is.

I was trying to be something I wasn't, I felt obligated to my husband because he put me on my feet and gave me the honest ability to take care of myself. I do still love him, but not in the same way he loves me.

I can never be what he wants me to be, and I don't believe he can ever understand my feelings, thoughts or dreams like my first love does. Always follow your heart, because if something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't.

Username: Asharadine

My story is probably the stupidest of the lot, though of course it will be lost as I am replying so late. I grew up in a Southern Bible Belt good Christian home. Good girls from good Christian homes don't without benefit of marriage as it would be the greatest sin imaginable.

If a good girl should slip up, the way to make it right is to marry him and remain with him forever because of course the second worst sin is the dreaded "D" word. I was 16 when I started dating him, and 16 when I lost my virginity in the heat of a passion on a hot summer's day at the lake.

I knew before we even married, it was a bad idea. Not that it was all him. I was so immature, just as he was. He had a list of all the poor girls he'd deflowered, as did his best friend. Secondary was a list of those his best buddy had deflowered he had then briefly been with.

He repeatedly treated me disrespectfully, but I believed it was my penance for daring to enjoy the fruits of marriage outside marriage. On the eve of our wedding, he slept with another woman.

Two weeks after the wedding, I saw them together and immediately knew. His immediate reaction to my painful glance of disbelief was to smile.

Ten years later, he left me for a chick half his age and legal in our state only by 5 days in the most painful manner he could come up with. He did it because I dared to tell him the truth about himself.

Ten further years later, he told me she had told him the same about himself, but he wasn't leaving her because she was 30. Just as I had been when I said the same things to him. He told me he now knew it was just woman's midlife crisis speaking.

We were still speaking at that time because we had two children together. If divorce is like a death, divorce with kids is like they come back and haunt you twice a month. Now they're grown and married with families of their own and I don't have to ever see his face again.

Username: Gertiel

All the time; it is natural to think so. What I may suggest is a vacation (just for you) so that you are free to see the world, the people in it, and the choices they have made. It seems to me you are happy, but you wonder if [let's say in an alternate universe Another you is twice as happy].

Life is linear. Now, in your 40's (I'm presuming) is the hardest time for married men to stay married; now is when you see her beauty start to decline, and other women in your life become more sexually attractive_ a natural battle between your mind and penis develops.

But stick through this battle, ride out this wave of temptation (realizing the sexy women in your life only look so after 30 minutes in front of a mirror-and that they too have skeletons in their closet), and you'll have a partner to weather old age with. Women at this stage of the game are into married men as well; the ring on your finger only turns them on even more.

Adultery is on the horizon... But I promise you in ten years, twenty, you will need your wife more than she needs you. The shoe will be on the other foot once you are 60. She will remember that you were loyal to her, and then she will be loyal to you.

The best thing a man can hope for in old age is a woman to take care of him. Your wife seems like the type. Suck it up and don't throw it away.

Username: 18journalsDeep

We were driving to his mother's house for a visit, and had stopped at a roadside store/art gallery. There was a *gorgeous* hand carved solid wood door displayed. It was carved with a relief of a forest landscape, some animals, etc. Absolutely stunning, and waaaay out of our price range.

So after we left the store/gallery, and we were once again on our way to his mother's, I was happily daydreaming out loud about someday, when we retired maybe, building a small house that we could incorporate custom art like that into. I have a lot of artist friends and it would be so fun to bring little bits from everyone and have a lovely home filled with beautiful works by local artists and our friends.

He could have let me continue daydreaming about this potential future that was close to 40 years away at that point. But instead, he snapped at me. "You know we're never building a house like that. I want a normal house."

It was his tone, more than what he said. He was so... dismissive and snide, and a little angry sounding on top of it. And for him to have decided that my daydream house was inherently "not normal" just made me feel small, and stupid .

That's when I first realized, we weren't going to be together "till death do us part.". We had very small children then, and neither of us would have been financially stable on our own, so I bit my tongue and stayed. But I knew. And there were other times after that, reminders every six months to a year that the length of our marriage was not infinite.

I moved out last year. My daydream house is still in the back of my mind. Maybe I'll make it happen in another 20 years. Or maybe my dreams will change. Who knows? The world is out there.

Username: MuchTooBusy

Truth be told I knew 6 years ago when he overreacted to something I said when we were at a bar for a friend's birthday. He left me in tears in a city doorway at 1am, while he and his friends carried on partying. Neither he nor his friends ever checked on me. Being humiliated like that cuts very deeply.

But as a young person with probable self-esteem and abandonment issues, I stupidly forgave him. And unfortunately I stupidly kept forgiving his shitty, obnoxious, childish behaviour for the next 6 years. Time and time again he has humiliated me, put me down and disrespected me.

He is a high functioning alcoholic who, well into his mid-30s, still parties like he is 21. He is a mean drunk; he doesn't come home; he lacks empathy; he is entitled; he is rude; he is vain; he is immature; he is paranoid; he has a quick temper; he has loser friends; he doesn't support me; he lies.

I was constantly making excuses for him. My friends and family disliked him and he knew it. Whenever I'd call him out on his behaviour, he'd scream about how unhappy he was and threaten to end the relationship. He is the very archetypical male with Peter Pan syndrome.

It all blew up a few weeks ago when we got home from his friend's baby shower. He decided to criticise me for eating an ice cream, after judging me earlier for eating a cupcake at the baby shower. He has criticised what I eat and how much exercise I do this many times before and I just felt absolutely humiliated. One time he told me I was fat on a beach holiday - I wasn't, but it destroyed me. You don't get over that cruelty.

I told him that making me attend the baby shower was him rubbing my nose into the fact that we weren't going to get married or have kids because he wouldn't grow up and stop drinking. He then told me that it wouldn't happen because I had gained weight and didn't care about how I looked.

(Of course, this was just a week after I had seriously hurt myself playing sport and couldn't exercise.) It took me a few days, but I realised that I had been making excuses for this man for far too long, and that I didn't deserve to be treated like this any longer.

I am by no means perfect (and no doubt when I was a younger person I didn't act perfectly either), but I'm now in my early 30s and I don't want to deal with his drama. I don't want to be stepping around on eggshells in my own home and I don't want the person that's supposed to care about me treating me like crap.

So, I told him the relationship is over, and this time, for good. I'm relieved but it's scary being alone in your 30s as a woman. But it's even scarier to think about being in a sad loveless relationship for the rest of my life. And I'm sure though that I'll be able to report back in a couple of years that I made the right decision.

Username: carisegen

So many signs. The first was observing her explode with everybody who wasn’t me — and I would usually smooth things over. Sometimes that task included smoothing things over with her own family. Her family began referring to me “taming” her temper.

She got her family involved pressuring me to propose and trying to get me having kids before I was ready. In the latter case, she would cry at me over and over again until my will to resist broke down. Fortunately, my reluctance there is that I am the kind of dad who was reluctant because I understood how big of a responsibility fatherhood was — and none of that baggage touched my relationship with my son who is the pride and joy of my universe.

But after he was born, there was a moment where I was like: “Welp, I am no longer living my own life anymore. I am an employee.”

Not surprisingly, I fell in love with a friend who did value me. I loved my wife, and I told her about it because I thought if I was absolutely honest, she would know she doesn’t have anything to worry about.

—She instantly accused me of having an affair, sent me packing to the upstairs spare bedroom, and told our son I was being sent to “time out.” I *still* did the thing where I tried to make the marriage work for my son — but she would keep asking me if I loved my friend. I would be honest and say “yes.”

It reached a point where every time I came home, I would be interrogated about months of discord messages I exchanged with my friend. She would ask if there was anything in some random comment from anywhere from 1 - 6 months ago, and my response would always be: “1) I don’t know, and 2) if I did — I already told you I was in love with her. I don’t know when it started, but I was.

She would belittle me in front of my son and ask if I thought about what my actions were doing to him and the family. Eventually after months of this I spiraled into self-harm, attempted suicide, being hospitalized multiple times for the same, and her telling both mine and her families, my friend, and all of mine and her friends what I did and that I cheated.

What’s interesting is that most everybody distanced themselves from her even though I never really got a chance to tell any of them my side. Maybe out of everything, it proves there *might* be karma in the universe.

Username: AnonymousJormungandr

I was working full time, going to school full time and doing night clinical rotations. I was only home from 11pm-5am. In that time I was the only one grocery shopping, letting the dogs out and doing laundry. One week I was EXHAUSTED and I asked him to help with laundry.

He said “if you start it I’ll finish it” so, I went to our apartment community wash and started all of my laundry and texted him one hour after to have him flip it and etc. all day goes on and I’m busy with school, work and clinic.

I get home at my usual 11pm and fall asleep on the couch. In the morning I go looking for clean scrubs and can’t find any.

I woke him up and was like “where’s the laundry at?” And he said “oh I never did it” so I threw on my clothes from the day before and went to the community laundry room to find all my shit had been thrown away by someone in the community who also had left me a rude note about not leaving laundry. I cried my whole way to lecture.

It had my scrubs, work clothes, gym stuff and underwear in it which was all I basically owned because prior I had been living in my car with almost nothing to my name due to the expense of school and my crazy schedule of class and clinic from the prior semesters.

When I brought it up to him he blamed me saying i didn’t remind him enough and it wasn’t really his job to “baby sit” my laundry. When all he did was play Xbox all day long. I broke down and did the wrong thing of venting to his mom. Who I thought I was close with.

She turned it all around on me and how me being a woman meant I shouldn’t ever put household chores on him, I was a bitch for expecting him to do chores and etc. later that week he had a trip planned to visit some friends out of state so I ultimately did the asshole thing of throwing away some of his clothing and packing his car so he could gtfo of my life.

Username: Swiggiewiggie

(Trying to keep this as short as I can) Together for 9 years, married for 1. Best friends since high school. She had pretty severe OCD, I had depression. In sickness and in health though, right?

I spent years being there for her. Trying daily to be the most patient and understanding person I could. Her OCD was focused around allergies, mostly food. For a period, she lost a ton of weight because anytime she ate anything she had panic attacks thinking her throat was closing.

She got crazy migraines and rolled around on the bed in pain, but couldn’t take painkillers or eat food (panic attacks). We barely went outside because she was terrified of bee stings. She had a previous partner who was abusive, so lots of issues with sex.

She had really bad depression for a while, there was a self harm period. It was really stressful, but I was there for her every step of the way. Because I loved her. Because she was my best friend.

I tried so hard to help her in every way I could. But apparently that might have ruined everything. We’ve been broken up for a few months now (unrelated reason). I still talk to her parents because we’re really close, and they say she’s doing really good.

Like empowered being on her own. I can only assume all of her worst symptoms of everything are mostly gone. I’m happy for her.

But the only thing missing is me. Somehow I just made everything worse. I don’t fully understand it yet, but I think by always being available to help, she never had to face anything on her own.

That’s an incompatibility I guess, because I don’t know how it’s even possible to do anything different for me. I don’t see how it would have gone well for me to have been more hands off and distant, and I hated to see her hurting.

There’s a lot more to it than that, and I’m by no means perfect. But I can honestly say I tried my hardest to be and it still failed. Thanks for reading if you did it felt good to get this out there.

Username: owen_wrong

Thankfully about 5 months before the wedding so I was able to call it all off. My grandma died suddenly and he yelled at me for “being a baby about it” because I cried.

And then made me drive him to poker night at a friends house (while I was crying) and berating me for not coming along with him (when I had never even previously agreed to). He was just very upset with me for letting my grandma’s death be a downer on his fun Saturday night.

A week or so prior he also burst into our bedroom, turned on the lights and opened the curtains while yelling at me for being in bed at 4pm I had come home early from work with a bad migraine, which he did not give me the okay to do.

Unsure why, because I was salaried and not losing pay. The light and yelling was super fun while I was nauseous and dizzy with a blinding migraine.

I also had to work 2 jobs (around 60-70 hours a week) at his insistence because he wanted to bills paid 50/50 but I also had to do 100% of the cooking, cleaning and yard work. He worked about 35-40 hours a week but earned more per hour so by his logic it was okay for him to work less and me work more since our earnings were roughly equal.

I don’t even know how he thought these were reasonable demands or why I went along with it for a couple years. One time his mother was in town and I came home after being at work 8-4 at my day job and 5-9 and my pt job and she berated me for the house being messy and not being there to make her dinner.

Meanwhile my ex had the day off. He joined in and also gave me a hard time for literally the mess he made while I was at work that I wasn’t able to clean before his mom saw it.

All 3 of these things happened within a span of 2.5 weeks and that’s when I just suddenly came to my senses and called the wedding off and left him. Of course it was “all my fault” and he told everyone I must have been cheating on him and that’s why I suddenly left for no reason lmao.

Username: ThrowRA-souther

Yeah, I have. I've served him divorce papers twice and separations papers once, but it fell through every time. I thought maybe it could work out if we got counseling, but I wasn't sure I could even get to the point of feeling that way about him anymore.

A few days ago I knew. I have no romantic interest in him anymore. I told him so and it really seemed like it got through to him. I thought he was finally going to understand we are past the point of no return, but he is back to pretending everything's fine.

This wouldn't be so bad if we weren't currently living in my mom's house that I'm buying from her. He has nowhere to go because he has no job and no family here. I can't just leave because my mom's old and needs help. It's the only reason that I think we're still together as this point. We are great friends, but I no longer think of him as anything more.

It's hard to say how much you're going to like sex before you have it. My husband and I were virgins, and we had sex two to three times a day in the beginning. It turns out my sex drive prefers about once a week, though I thought it would be more.

(But lack of variety has killed that down to maybe twice a week). For my husband, he went on meds for his anxiety that completely killed his sex drive and he's no longer interested in sex at all. Neither one of us expected this, but I do think it could have been workable early on if we had both communicated better.

If you keep things exciting for her, I'm sure she'll be able to keep up with you. She'll think of it as fun instead of an obligation if her desires are involved. I lost a lot of interest because my husband was bad at foreplay and would skip it all the time.

He also does the SAME routine every damn time. Don't do that. Sometimes I'd want to cry out of frustration, but we we having sex so infrequently that I didn't want to make it worse by saying something and making him feel insecure.

Honestly I think you guys will be fine, so long as you both communicate and actively try to keep things exciting for each other. Encourage her to talk about what she wants and what she's ready for, and you do the same.

Do things that you're both ready to do and keep mixing it up. Good luck, and don't forget to keep that open line of communication! That's what ultimately led to my situation.

Username: [deleted]

I have no affection for him anymore, but I still like him a lot as as friend. Communication is terrible. I've told him over our entire relationship that he needs to talk to me, but he is very closed off.

He hides his feelings from me and then resents me for the way I make him feel, even though he doesn't tell me about it. When I'm upset, he pretends nothing's happening and won't talk to me for days until I can't take it anymore and freak out.

He first drove me to take it out on myself through self-harm, but then I started to hate him for the neglect and started taking it out on him. I have told him many times that I can't handle it anymore, and it's very true. Mentally I'm broken down and this summer I felt like suicide was the only way I could get out.

He knows this and sees this, but continues to refuse to talk to me about our relationship. He hurts me by never responding when I open up my feelings, I freak out and hurt myself and him (complete psychotic episodes) and nothing ever gets resolved.

I started therapy, started seeing a psychiatrist, went on meds, and took us to couples counseling. We are still in the same boat after all that. He still doesn't talk to me or address issues with me when they come up.

The only way I can cope is by accepting that it's over. Honestly, I don't even think of us as together anymore. We're married and we live together, but I feel as if I owe him nothing. That's all I've received for the 11 years we've been together.

As friends, we're great. But add in the things necessary for a relationship (communication, sex and affection) and we're a disaster. I wish it could have worked but he's just so set on protecting himself emotionally that he'll sacrifice my sanity to never have to open up to me.

I wish we could have an open relationship. He's such a jealous person, though. He got mad at me yesterday for grabbing my own boobs in front of one of our female friends. I can't make jokes with guy friends without him getting pissed off.

He hates that a mutual friend finds me attractive. It's not fair that he won't switch his med to one that will allow him to have a sex drive again, but I'm not allowed to even think about sex with other people.

Username: [deleted]

When he chose to sleep in at a weekend LARP event instead of waking up a bit early and packing up so he could cheer me on running my first half marathon I had been training for most of a year. We had just finished moving and my dad stayed an extra day to cheer me on instead of making the 10 hour drive back to the town I grew up in.

Laying in my partially unpacked house after, knowing my dad would get maybe 3 hours of sleep that night before going back to work, while waiting for my husband to finally get home, I knew but refused to acknowledge.

The final straw though: He chose to go "rescue" the person renting a room in our house who I already brought up in marriage counseling that he was acting emotionally inappropriate with. She had hit a deer about an hour and a half south of us and limped her vehicle into a shopping center nearby.

I had spent the afternoon working on our friendsgiving meal and people were supposed to start arriving in the next 30 minutes or so. He insisted on going to get her. I said she will would be able to catch a ride back with a tow truck. He still said he was going so I insisted that I would go too.

When we got there she was standing there talking outside her vehicle with her ex, who happened to be grocery shopping in the store in the shopping center - they were still on good terms. She had yet to call her insurance company or a tow truck. So my husband did that for her and handled everything.

What floored me the most though is that his parents blamed me for letting her rent from us - "what did you expect letting another woman in the house?"... I dunno maybe your eagle scout son, who I dated through out college and had been married to for over 2 years not to engage in an emotional affair.

I suspect it was also physical after finding an empty condom wrapper in his pants. He claims it wasn't his as he was cleaning out both his and her tents from the aforementioned LARP event around the same time as the final straw, but it wasn't enough to proof.

Username: gaya2081

When I was depressed and suicidal. He invited a bunch of people over for my birthday. I hadn’t talked to anyone in two weeks. He just wanted someone else to “deal” with me. When everyone canceled because he invited them day of, I cried because I felt like I wanted to die. In my head this proved I was unloveable.

When he heard me crying, he walked out of the room, turned on a video game, put on headphones and turned the sound all the way up. Luckily one friend ended up coming through right when I was planning on taking my life. I didn’t tell her she saved my life.

Three weeks later the friend went for lunch with me and my ex. I told her then how she saved my life. My ex then said “yeah! We’re all here for you. You can rely on us.” Almost performing a sympathy act.
I sat with that for a couple months. Finally one day I brought it up to him.

I asked him how could he pretended he cared in front of people, but in the moment, when I almost followed through, he was going to let me do it. His only response was that it’s hard to deal with someone like me. I’m too dramatic and if I was actually going to do it, I would have.

I always felt like he could never sympathize with me when I had multiple hospitalized visits due to health issues. Even when I got sick, he would get mad at me for not being able to cook/clean for him even though I was physically ill and working a full time job.

After that conversation I left. I packed everything and never looked back. Years later my friends would tell me they never liked him. He always made them uncomfortable and felt fake. Nothing he did seemed genuine.

Luckily now I’m still alive. I’m surrounded by so many people who love me. Even in the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had.

I’m with someone who checks in on me when I have rough days. Someone who takes care of me when I’m sick. Someone who is the most empathetic person I’ve ever been with.

Username: wormsforfun

Before proposal. I commissioned the ring, ~$2800. Then we went on a camping trip and the crazy came out, I don't even remember how, and I remember feeling like I REALLY wanted to break up but was locked in. I thought maybe waiting to propose would be better except she was constantly fretting about when it would happen, asking for reassurance that it would happen soon.

I proposed using a book of 50 things I love about you, with prefab sentences and you fill in the blank. It took me WEEKS to think of ways to fill each page, and some of them eventually I just had to lie. But I could think of things I hated with ease. But I have been poor my whole adult life, and I just spent basically $3000 on a one of a kind ring.

I proposed. Then more cuss happened. Jumping back a few months, I told her that years ago I had been taken advantage of sexually by a guy I knew in college, and that it might complicate starting to be intimate with her, she asked me if I was gay. And she continued to be worried about it indefinitely.

After proposal I told her that guy was a different person now, full of regret, and I had learned to make peace with the situation and had occasional positive contact with that guy. She freaked out again.

She demanded that I sever all contact with him. She upped her worry that I was gay. That I was going to leave her for him "again," like I had chosen to be taken advantage of.

You know what? I am bi. But how is that even relevant? And she hates that I'm bi. When she found out she literally screamed at me that she hated me.

And I knew she would hate me, so I originally kept it to myself because I figured I am monogamous, so it's irrelevant, but she was insanely jealous constantly and didn't want me to spend time with any females so finally I just told her I was bi so she would stop trying to police the gender of my friends.

We went to premarital counseling and we got to the section of "if you have more than one or two of these warning flags, this could be a no-go." We had something like 15 out of 20.

There was no physical abuse or drug use or affairs, but emotional and psychological flags were everywhere. I talked to two counselors about it and one straight up told me that I didn't have to feel locked into the relationship because we weren't married.

I suggested we postpone the wedding until our relationship was healthier. The other counselor advised me to go ahead and marry her and work out all the problems later. So I married her. It will be two years in January and I am full of regret. I wonder how and when we will divorce because I am seriously trying to salvage the relationship and honestly have some success, but I wonder if it is enough success.

Also I got a vasectomy before we got married because I have had for many years a strongly held opposition to reproduction. At the beginning of our relationship I said we could adopt and she said that was cool.

While we were dating we discussed it and I said I was against childbearing, but we could do non-permanent birth control in case that should change. She didn't want to do anything herself, so we went with a vasectomy.

Then after we were married she CONSTANTLY blamed me for ruining "the only thing she wanted in life": to be a mother. After so many arguments and shouting matches I felt awful enough that I went ahead and had the reversal, but the feeling sure as hell reminded me of my past sexual abuse in that I felt like I had relinquished control of my body over to somebody who was prioritizing their wants over my personhood. That was a few months ago and no pregnancy yet.

There's about a 25% chance that pregnancy will never happen (odds are in favor of pregnancy because the second surgery was so soon after the first). I still have problems with the idea of creating life in the current world [and current household], but I can't say for sure that I want pregnancy never to happen because hey, maybe the whole dynamic of our relationship will change magically for the better.

I know that I contributed to this clusterfuck and am not blameless even now. I can say I was a 25 year old virgin who got married to my first serious relationship because of a lot of external pressure. But that doesn't change that I knew I was doing something dangerous and very likely just plain bad and I went ahead with it anyway out of a weird combination of fear and hope.

Sometimes I want to write to the counselor who told me to go ahead with getting married and tell him that was the worst advice ever and please don't give it to anybody else.

Username: Here-Ya-Go

With hindsight, the first decade, first year, first day. She changed after "I do", and receded into herself, I thought. But I've come to realize she was revealing herself; she had always been governed by weather.

She was insatiable while dating, but oddly uninterested on our wedding night, which I chalked up to a long day. We'd go months without relations, but only moments between distant silence. We were expecting our first daughter eleven months in, and our second not long after.

Fast forward, 17 years and two truly amazing daughters. I had an opportunity for a major promotion. Talked to my wife and she encouraged me to postpone the doctorate, said the opportunity was too good despite longer hours.

Six months into the the promotion she became the cliché - secret meetings, deleting call/text history, wouldn't go anywhere without her phone. She begged me to host a party and cook one of my famous meals for friends, then heart-destroyingly included him on the invitation list.

Nothing quite compares to having the "other" paraded in front of your teenage daughters, your friends, and hear him toast the grilled salmon. Nothing like seeing her place a hand on his chest before an audience.

I already knew, already had people telling me, already had proof, but simply told her I was uncomfortable with how they interacted. She was incredulous. I upped the ante, saying she had to break off communication. She conceded, but told friends I wasn't "giving him a fair chance."

I found out she was trying the coordinate attending a conference with him, so I confronted her with an email draft where she unwittingly used our youngest daughter's account. It had lingered in the DRAFT box of our youngest for weeks. It's contents still tear me up.

That was a year and a half ago. She's promised I'm her only, her forever. She's sitting across from me now in the quiet of a Sunday morning, unknowingly as I type my doubts into a phone.

I don't trust her future, don't trust our past. A marriage full of tortuous hindsight questions, situations, people. So many opportunities over the years, even now, with different women pursuing me; I don't regret keeping them all at arms length. I have my shortcomings, but that's not one.

The aching question is what lesson does this teach my daughters. Stay true to a promise, your commitment, or settle for __________. Would you recommend this product to a friend? No, no I wouldn't. My grandfather told me ninety percent of my happiness and grief would come from this one decision. It has. He was married until his last breath to a girl he met at fifteen.

I look up from my phone, and she from her computer. We each smiled a handshake. She talks about next year, about plans in two years, about our approaching empty nest. I'm wondering if her words reveal her thoughts or is she inveterate.

I see her naked and recall how easily and openly that intimacy was shared with another. Such a throwaway world. Maybe next year, maybe when the girls are in college. I can't believe it's already October; this life has move quickly.

Username: crazy_hindsight

Does before the marriage count? I'm sitting in my parents home trying to figure out if I can climb out a window in my wedding dress then find a ride to.......sowewhere........all the while my father is giving me his blessing and going through the rituals.

(It was a mostly arranged marriage) there I am on my knees in front of my father my mind racing teying to come up with convincing arguments that I could pose to him in order to cancel the wedding. Almost as quickly as I come up with one, it is cast aside like wishes on the wind because I know he won't care.

on the way to the priest I kept thinking if I jump out of the car here I can run to the bus station....shit! I don't have any money. I could still run, they'd have to catch me. But dammit my dress, they'd find me no matter where I tried to hide.

Once at the venue, who here would have my back and slip me some money or hide me in the trunk of their car to help me escape?? Who who who??? Who can I trust? Beg? Bribe?

During the ceremony what would happen if I said I don't? Could I hold my breath long enough to faint? What about faking an asthma attack? Heart attack? Something.

Umm what? Oh I ....oh .....I guess....what i mean is....and a vicious pinch on my arm I yell out I DO. Everyone chuckles at my enthusiasm. Cue the rest of the day until we got into our honeymoon suite I made and discarded numerous escape plans.

So sometimes it's not after the wedding that you know it's wrong, sometimes it's very wrong beforehand.

Username: Synnful_me